The “66 and 99” disease

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a pandemic, an epidemic, and it’s spreading at a rate similar to that of the average person’s legal infractions on the road: 3 signs per night (this statistic is totally “legitimate”).

This is right, people. After thorough “investigation” on the matter, “doctors and scientists” from “around the world” have “determined” that each night, 3 signs, somewhere, are becoming “infected” with what is known as the “66 and 99” disease. This has now been shortened, by the youth of the world, to the “69 disease” (so clever are they, those youth).

You can spot these “infected signs” quite easily. Most are being laughed at in the streets, but some go unnoticed by the general public. Sadly, they do not realize they are being subjected to the reprehensible display of the “growths” that have appeared on the text of the infected signs.

It is spread through ignorance and an over-zealous attempt to be correct, so please, for the sake of society, become educated on how to protect your signs from the “66 and 99” disease.

Now, if you have not yet determined what this blog is going to about, then you deserve a fleeting glance of disapproval thrown on your direction (I’m sorry, I hate to be provocative).

Yes, the misuse of quotation marks on signs is happening everywhere, and it is absolutely hilarious.

For those who don’t know, the use of quotation marks has various uses, the first of which is to imply that whatever is between them has been taken directly from another source. However, another more widespread of its use is to imply exaggeration, sarcasm, or the deliberate use of an opposite word. For example, if a lawyer were prosecuting an alleged criminal, they might use the phrase: the accused’s “fool-proof plan.” The quotation marks around “fool-proof plan” indicate that the plan was, in fact, not fool-proof, otherwise, the accused would not be in his current circumstance.

So when I see a sign that says: ““cheese” burgers”, I get very worried. Is this marketing’s new gimmick?

In supermarkets, things are “made “fresh” in-store”. In parks there should be ““NO” Alcohol”. However, one of my favourite signs simply has the word “toilets” in quotation marks (so I should expect a hole in the ground?).

Apparently these quotation marks are designed to give emphasis, yet all they are really doing is giving emphasis to the opposite of what they mean. See, this is irony, Alanis.

Quotation marks are also used to provide an indicator to obscure euphemisms that people may not catch from mere speech alone. This makes me extremely cautious around signs that read: “Professional “Massage”” and “RING BELL FOR “MEAT SERVICE”.”

However, some uses of these quotation marks are so bizarre that I don’t really have an introduction for them, so I’m just going to list them:

1)      Fireworks “you can trust” sold here

2)      Please open door “slowly”

3)      Silica Gel- “do not eat” throw away

4)      Please “do not put anything in toilet” thank you for your cooperation”

5)      “Vegetable” cream cheese

6)      Employees must “wash hands”

7)      “Pussy” (L) Willow $9.99

8)      Your small change can make “children” happy (well… at least the quotation marks weren’t around “happy”…)

9)      Kids are “pretty” special to us

10)   “Sprinklers” through-out building

Now, for my personal favourite: BEWARE OF “DOG” (maybe they  had a Chihuahua…)

I’ll give them a D- for effort, but they fail miserably overall.

You are now aware of the signs (pun intended) and symptoms of this disease. Consider yourself educated on the matter. Go forward and ridicule anyone who fails to see the hilarity and shamefulness of the “66 and 99” disease.

Stay “alert”, stay “safe.”


About lonelemming

18-year-old student at the University of Waterloo studying in a Legal Studies and Business Co-op program.
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